I was going through some of my old songs that I used to adore and I came across a tobyMac song.
Here's some of the lyrics:
"So let me be the voice through all the noise,
Whatever I've got to be,
I'll be for you.
Whatever you need from me,
To see you through.
Every one of us has stumbled,
Everybody's humbled,
We hit the ground and our lives crumble.
Every one of us will fall,
Have our backs against the wall,
And everyone shares a need to be loved.
You've always been for me,
So I will be for you.
That's just what it means
To love."
It's been a long time since I've heard this song, and I really never did think much about what the lyrics meant before. As I listened to it, it made me think. Not about bad things like usually, but things that are probably worth thinking about.
It reminded me of a discussion I had with a very close friend not very long ago, and it reminded me of something.
As humans, we all have struggles and difficulties we have to face. We aren't perfect. We all have temptations, slip-ups, crashes, and we're going to mess up. People do that.
Honestly, we're like crazy little kids running about thinking we can do everything by ourselves. We think we can deal with it all by ourselves, that we can be good all on our own, that we are completely capable and need no help. And if we do need help, that must mean that we're weak and silly.
And sometimes, we feel completely worthless and useless. We feel like we're just terrible and evil people who shouldn't deserve to even walk on this planet, like everyone would be so much better off if we were gone. I understand that, because I feel like that basically every single day.
But you know what?
It's not true.
I know I'm being hypocritical here, but that is a borking fact.
Yes, humans are... well, evil. We all mess up, screw things up, and make a disaster of things. That's a part of being human. It's human nature. That is why we need Jesus.You see, we are not designed and created to run by ourselves. Goodness gracious, we cannot do that. It's not possible. We need Him.
We might be messed up, broken, hurt, and completely shattered by problems and struggles we've dealt with in our lives, whether internal or external. Despite all of that, your heavenly Father wants you. Just because we struggle and have issues, that doesn't mean He loves us any less. Just because we are ashamed of things we think, say, or do, it doesn't mean He hates you.
Remember, that's how the whole grace thing works. We might think we don't deserve such a thing, but He thinks you are worth dying for. That's how much He loves you.
It might be hard to believe, but He absolutely adores you. He made you, loves you, and claims you as His. You are His child and He loves you so much. So, so borking much.
Being a Christian, it doesn't mean that everything will suddenly become easy and life will be simple for the rest of your life. However, you have a reassurance that He is always there for you, has everything in control, and everything will work out according to His plan. If it wasn't for God, I seriously would not be here right now. Honestly... it terrifies me to think of where I'd be at if it wasn't for Him.
I know that trusting that God will take care of things is difficult. I know. Having anxiety, depression, and things, it's really hard sometimes and every day is another battle. But I still have this knowledge in the back of my mind that my God has already won the fight and that he has a plan for my life.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29:11
The same goes for you, too. He adores you and He wants the best for you. He loves you with an everlasting love, an unfailing love. (Jeremiah 31:3, if you want to look for yourself.)
He has made everything beautiful in its time, and that includes you as well. You are so wonderfully made and you are His creation. You are not worthless; you are priceless. You are so important to Him. (Ecclesiastes 3:11 and Psalm 139:14, if you don't believe me.)
It's a crazy thought, isn't it? That the one who created the universe loves you, the one who formed the planets, painted the beautiful sunsets, lighted the lovely stars that we stare up into during the night, created those sweet smelling flowers that grow wild during the spring.
It doesn't matter the mistakes you've made, the people who hurt you in the past, the situations and struggles you face every single day, the battles you fight against yourself. It does not affect His love for you. His love is unimaginable. It's astounding, completely incomprehensible. It's honestly amazing.
You are so important, so loved, so valued. You might not believe that, but you are a child of God and He absolutely, completely, utterly adores you. And you know what?
I love you, too.
Whoever you are, whoever is reading these words, never ever forget that.
Feb 16, 2013
Dec 28, 2012
This Blogging Thing is Difficult
Okay, I've decided that I am completely and entirely terrible at this blogging thing.
I think I'm going to fix that, though. My plan is to attempt to write a post at *least* once a week, if not more.
Not particularly for any reason, except that I think I'll have to do it for a class in school anyways. If anything, I can just get into the habit with it. I don't expect folks to really read this blog, so there we go.
So... I guess I'll get started.
I think I'm going to fix that, though. My plan is to attempt to write a post at *least* once a week, if not more.
Not particularly for any reason, except that I think I'll have to do it for a class in school anyways. If anything, I can just get into the habit with it. I don't expect folks to really read this blog, so there we go.
So... I guess I'll get started.
Jun 16, 2012
Just Another Day
Hi! Just a bit of a note here. This is probably going to be one of those rambling sorts of posts, probably something that won't be very interesting. However, it's something I want to write about. I don't think many people read this anyways, so I'm going with it.
Alrighty, let's get this over with. In case you haven't looked at your calendar (or your television, really), there is a very specific holiday coming up this month. For the sake of a friend of mine who may read this, I won't say the date, but it is coming up one of these days. This day is called "Father's Day," a day to express the appreciation and gratitude you have for your dad (for those who are shaking their heads right now, just give me a moment.) During this time, here you see commercials of ties, grills, and lawnmowers that you're told you must buy for the male leader in your household. Okay, maybe not so much with lawnmowers, but still. (Although you have to admit, lawnmowers can be pretty awesome.)
But...what if your dad's not there? I could list many different situations regarding this sort of thing, and I'm sure you could probably name a few yourself. When that's your situation, Father's Day can probably be one of the worst holidays in existence. You're told that you're supposed to honor your father, give him presents, show him how much you care about him, etc. And that is where I have the issue.
I guess I'll go ahead and type it, since not many read this anyways. My father is incarcerated and has been since I was very little. For those who know me, you're most likely already aware of this fact. If you weren't, then now you know why I live with grandparents (although there's more to that story, but I'm not going there today.)
This is the reason why I don't like Father's Day. Still, I do like the meaning behind it. In fact, I think it's nice that it exists. But personally, it's one of the worst days of the year for me. Last year's was difficult, mainly because of church. The interim pastor at my old church gave a sermon on how important fathers were, and read off a very long list of statistics involving children without dads, kids with incarcerated dads, etc. I normally love church and I did try to listen, but he kept going on and on, and it just got to be too much. I ended up crying during the service and refused to even look at the pastor. It wasn't really his fault, but it was more than I could handle at the time. Listening to the statistics was pretty much telling me that I'm going to fail, that I'm going to end up like my father, and/or I'm never going to amount to much. That said, I doubt I'll go this year. This is also the same reason why I refuse to watch the movie Courageous. I just find it too ironic. I tried to watch it, but I had to leave the room about thirty minutes into it. I just couldn't.
I try not to let it bother me, but it happens. I'll lie awake at night thinking, Did I do something wrong? If I was a better daughter, would he have made a different decision? Was what he wanted more important than me? I'll go through this cycle of getting angry at him, blaming myself, and then wondering if maybe it was for the best. It can be quite confusing, really. As a child, your first instincts are to trust your parents and to love them. When this sort of thing happens, though, you become a bit conflicted. On one hand, you agree with the law, but on the other hand, you still wish they were there. It's a bit hard and sometimes I get a little mixed up.
It's not too difficult to tell people he's in prison, though. I've gotten a little used to it by now. However, it can make things awkward, especially when the kids at school mention their dads and how they do things with them. I don't get bitter or annoyed about it when people say the sort of thing. In fact, I find it somewhat sweet when they do. It just makes me feel a little out of place, that's all. It's not quite as fun when they bring up my dad, though. When that happens, it's very awkward. The conversation usually goes something like this, except with names:
Random student talking to a group: "I'm going fishing with my father on Saturday!"
Other kid: "Cool! My dad and I are going to the movies next week."
Me: "Aww, that's nice."
Random student: "What about you, C? Are you going to go do anything with your dad?"
Me: "Erm..." And then I think, Oh, crayola. Now what am I supposed to say?
I assume they're just trying to include me in conversation (which is definitely very kind of them, don't get me wrong there), but it's still a little difficult having to explain to a group of kids I don't know very well that he's not around and why. I don't *mind* having to say my father's in prison, but it's one of those things that you're just not sure how to explain sometimes.
I'll think, Nah, I can explain it. No big deal. After all, I've dealt with it pretty much my whole life and it's not THAT uncommon, is it? It's not that weird, right?
But then, I'll tell myself, Oh, but what if they go around and tell the others, giving the school more reasons to make fun of me? What if they tell me I'll be like my dad when I grow up? I mean, look at the STATISTICS. Or, what if...
That may be one of my issues, really. Constantly asking yourself "What if?" doesn't help you very much. However, in my experience, most people either say/ask three things:
Last note:
If you're not looking forward to Father's Day either, whether because your dad wasn't around, or he passed away, or he's overseas, or ANY situation that you're in, please do remember one thing:
You are important and you are loved. Don't ever think otherwise. No matter how discouraged, how upset, or how depressed you might feel, always remember that someone does care about you.
- C Squared
Alrighty, let's get this over with. In case you haven't looked at your calendar (or your television, really), there is a very specific holiday coming up this month. For the sake of a friend of mine who may read this, I won't say the date, but it is coming up one of these days. This day is called "Father's Day," a day to express the appreciation and gratitude you have for your dad (for those who are shaking their heads right now, just give me a moment.) During this time, here you see commercials of ties, grills, and lawnmowers that you're told you must buy for the male leader in your household. Okay, maybe not so much with lawnmowers, but still. (Although you have to admit, lawnmowers can be pretty awesome.)
But...what if your dad's not there? I could list many different situations regarding this sort of thing, and I'm sure you could probably name a few yourself. When that's your situation, Father's Day can probably be one of the worst holidays in existence. You're told that you're supposed to honor your father, give him presents, show him how much you care about him, etc. And that is where I have the issue.
I guess I'll go ahead and type it, since not many read this anyways. My father is incarcerated and has been since I was very little. For those who know me, you're most likely already aware of this fact. If you weren't, then now you know why I live with grandparents (although there's more to that story, but I'm not going there today.)
This is the reason why I don't like Father's Day. Still, I do like the meaning behind it. In fact, I think it's nice that it exists. But personally, it's one of the worst days of the year for me. Last year's was difficult, mainly because of church. The interim pastor at my old church gave a sermon on how important fathers were, and read off a very long list of statistics involving children without dads, kids with incarcerated dads, etc. I normally love church and I did try to listen, but he kept going on and on, and it just got to be too much. I ended up crying during the service and refused to even look at the pastor. It wasn't really his fault, but it was more than I could handle at the time. Listening to the statistics was pretty much telling me that I'm going to fail, that I'm going to end up like my father, and/or I'm never going to amount to much. That said, I doubt I'll go this year. This is also the same reason why I refuse to watch the movie Courageous. I just find it too ironic. I tried to watch it, but I had to leave the room about thirty minutes into it. I just couldn't.
I try not to let it bother me, but it happens. I'll lie awake at night thinking, Did I do something wrong? If I was a better daughter, would he have made a different decision? Was what he wanted more important than me? I'll go through this cycle of getting angry at him, blaming myself, and then wondering if maybe it was for the best. It can be quite confusing, really. As a child, your first instincts are to trust your parents and to love them. When this sort of thing happens, though, you become a bit conflicted. On one hand, you agree with the law, but on the other hand, you still wish they were there. It's a bit hard and sometimes I get a little mixed up.
It's not too difficult to tell people he's in prison, though. I've gotten a little used to it by now. However, it can make things awkward, especially when the kids at school mention their dads and how they do things with them. I don't get bitter or annoyed about it when people say the sort of thing. In fact, I find it somewhat sweet when they do. It just makes me feel a little out of place, that's all. It's not quite as fun when they bring up my dad, though. When that happens, it's very awkward. The conversation usually goes something like this, except with names:
Random student talking to a group: "I'm going fishing with my father on Saturday!"
Other kid: "Cool! My dad and I are going to the movies next week."
Me: "Aww, that's nice."
Random student: "What about you, C? Are you going to go do anything with your dad?"
Me: "Erm..." And then I think, Oh, crayola. Now what am I supposed to say?
I assume they're just trying to include me in conversation (which is definitely very kind of them, don't get me wrong there), but it's still a little difficult having to explain to a group of kids I don't know very well that he's not around and why. I don't *mind* having to say my father's in prison, but it's one of those things that you're just not sure how to explain sometimes.
I'll think, Nah, I can explain it. No big deal. After all, I've dealt with it pretty much my whole life and it's not THAT uncommon, is it? It's not that weird, right?
But then, I'll tell myself, Oh, but what if they go around and tell the others, giving the school more reasons to make fun of me? What if they tell me I'll be like my dad when I grow up? I mean, look at the STATISTICS. Or, what if...
That may be one of my issues, really. Constantly asking yourself "What if?" doesn't help you very much. However, in my experience, most people either say/ask three things:
- "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do you communicate with him much?" - This is an okay response. I'm all right wth this one. (And to answer that question: Occasionally, yes. Letters.)
- "What did he do, kill someone?" - You would be surprised how many times I have heard this one. Seriously, it's ridiculous. I don't think it's a very good idea to tell the story on a blog where everyone can see it, though, so I'm not going into detail on this one. Although, I will say that this response bothers the heck out of me. If you want to know, ask. Don't assume stuff and put it so bluntly. That's rather rude.
- "So, when does he get out?" - This question is okay theoretically, but if I'm in a bad mood, I may be a little upset (although I won't tell you that. I'll just answer and curse myself in my head.) If I'm in a good/okay mood, it doesn't bother me too much. And in case you're wondering, without going into details on here, probably never.
Last note:
If you're not looking forward to Father's Day either, whether because your dad wasn't around, or he passed away, or he's overseas, or ANY situation that you're in, please do remember one thing:
You are important and you are loved. Don't ever think otherwise. No matter how discouraged, how upset, or how depressed you might feel, always remember that someone does care about you.
- C Squared
May 12, 2012
Stepping Through the Wall
This is actually an essay that I wrote for my English class a week or so ago. After I had written it, I thought it might be good to post on here. (Note: I have made a few changes to it, such as using contractions, changing the wording to being a little less formal, and other things of that sort. I just thought it worked better on the blog that way.)
Anyways, the assignment was to write about something that changed your life or impacted it in some way. Although I probably have multiple things I could have written about (oh, how I could have written some "interesting" things), there was something very specific that I really wanted to write about. If you've read any of my past posts (or if you actually know me), then you are most likely aware that I have a little brother with autism, whom I refer to as my hobbit. After much thinking, I finally decided to write about his diagnosis of autism. It isn't exactly the best essay I have written, but I think it's something that belongs on here. Therefore, here it is! (And if you're wondering, yes, the reason for the title in the essay is also *part* of the reason why I named this blog the same. Not the entire reason, but it's one of many. If I've made any mistakes in describing autism, I apologize. I merely describe it from my point of view as an older sister to a kiddo with it. I'm certainly not an expert and I wouldn't dare to even claim to be such.)
"Coco, I love you! Can I have candy now?" These words are usually the first thing I hear when I enter my home in the afternoons. They may be slightly silly, but being said by my little brother, they make my days so much better. My four year old brother's name is Christian. He has haunting brown eyes and an adorable grin, but that isn't the only thing that's different about him. He also has something called autism, which is a very complex neurodevelopmental disorder. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is very wide and diverse, full of different people with unique personalities, behaviors, and perspectives. Christian was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), which is on the mild part of the spectrum. His diagnosis was very life changing not only for him, but for our entire family.
In the beginning, he seemed very neurotypical. He learned to talk at the appropriate age and progressed at the average rate. However, when he was about two, he regressed. He went from his growing vocabulary to hardly any words at all. Not only that, but he also began displaying other behaviors. He often rocked back and forth, enjoyed watching the wheels spin on his toy cars as opposed to actually playing with them, refused eye contact with other people, and other things as well. We began to suspect that something was wrong, but no one wanted to say anything. I did some of my own research and found that many of the things he did were considered signs of autism. After relaying my thoughts to my grandmother, she said that she thought it would be best to take him to the doctor and ask a few questions.
When we went to the doctor, it was a bit nerve wracking. I remember very well how the doctor asked my grandmother and me several questions regarding Christian's behaviors. As we talked, Christian wandered around the room and rocked back and forth, occasionally licking things because he liked the texture. The doctor observed these actions and quietly told us that he believed that Christian either had autism or mental retardation. Because of this, the doctor made a referral for him to see a specialist. I remember being a bit shocked by how bluntly he said it, as if it wasn't a big deal. As we left, I pondered what we were going to do next.
Unfortunately, I wasn't actually able to go with my brother when he went to be tested. I was actually out of town visiting family. I remember quite vividly riding in the car with my aunt, looking out the window and hearing the phone ring. Even more, I can recall well how my grandmother informed me of the diagnosis and explained all that the specialist had told her. After she had told me, she said that things were going to be different at home now. Oh, if only I had known just how much of a change it would be!
After his diagnosis, things became much easier but also more difficult. It was easier because we finally had explanations for things, such as why he melts down when there's so many people around or his tendency to rock back and forth. However, it was a little harder because we had to do so many things. During my summer vacation of that year, he had to go to speech and occupational therapy twice a week. I had to get up early in the mornings to help my grandmother with him, since she needed help taking him places. His therapists showed us ways to communicate with him, mostly by sign language. At the time, it was extremely useful. Thankfully, it's not really needed anymore, which is very good.
Although we've come a long way with Christian, we still have quite a ways to go. I think his speech has improved greatly, because now we are unable to keep him quiet! Granted, many of the things he says come from television shows and movies that he likes. He "scripts" quite a bit, which is where he uses quotes from shows to express his thoughts and emotions. Due to this, I have often watched his shows to make sure I know what he is alluding to. I also re-enact scenes from shows with him a lot, particularly the British science fiction program Doctor Who.
Sometimes he seems incredibly aloof. He gets absorbed into his own little world, as if he has a brick wall built up around him and no one is able to reach him. There's no way around the wall, no matter how hard I try. He just seems so distant. Other times, he can become very violent because he can't communicate his emotions effectively. This is more likely to happen when he's surrounded by many people or if he feels overwhelmed.
Because of this, it's interesting when we take him with us to the grocery store or other public places. We try not to take him places where it's too crowded or much too loud, but sometimes it's inevitable. It's a little frustrating, not particularly because of Christian's behaviors, but because of other people. I love my brother, and it bothers me so much when people stare or point. It's almost unbelievable to me how often that has happened. We've actually had an instance where a woman came up to us in the middle of a meltdown and informed us that we weren't disciplining him enough. She then attempted to discipline him herself! I must admit, I wasn't very pleased about it. I was in shock and quite a bit angry, honestly. One of the things that really bother me is that people are so unaware of what autism is and that it's not a "behavior problem." My brother can't help it and I can't stand to see complete strangers judging him. Why, he's only four! It's just so infuriating and appalling to me.
Despite all the challenges, I absolutely love my little brother. Yes, sometimes it can be a bit difficult, but he's still my brother. I will always think the world of him, no matter what he does, however many times I get bit, or however many meltdowns he has at the store. Christian has left a major impact in my life in multiple ways, including my career goals. Due to him having autism, I now want to either do research about it or become a special education teacher. In addition to this, it has also impacted my attitude and awareness. Before he was diagnosed, I knew relatively little about autism or what it was. It was just a term that I once read in a science textbook and never thought twice about. However, after the diagnosis, I became much more aware of how much it impacts people and their families. I'm also much more aware of how much misunderstanding and confusion abounds within the public about this particular subject. Because of this, one of the main things I'm very vocal about is autism awareness.
Most important of all, I have learned that although my brother may sometimes be surrounded in his little wall or in his silence, he still has a voice. He still has his own thoughts and emotions, just like everyone else. Sometimes he may not show empathy too well or he has trouble expressing how he feels and what he means, but that doesn't mean that he's incapable of having feelings. In fact, he's a very sweet kid and I count it a blessing to call him my brother. I can't always go around his walls when he builds them up, but with enough time and effort, I just might be able to step through them.
Anyways, the assignment was to write about something that changed your life or impacted it in some way. Although I probably have multiple things I could have written about (oh, how I could have written some "interesting" things), there was something very specific that I really wanted to write about. If you've read any of my past posts (or if you actually know me), then you are most likely aware that I have a little brother with autism, whom I refer to as my hobbit. After much thinking, I finally decided to write about his diagnosis of autism. It isn't exactly the best essay I have written, but I think it's something that belongs on here. Therefore, here it is! (And if you're wondering, yes, the reason for the title in the essay is also *part* of the reason why I named this blog the same. Not the entire reason, but it's one of many. If I've made any mistakes in describing autism, I apologize. I merely describe it from my point of view as an older sister to a kiddo with it. I'm certainly not an expert and I wouldn't dare to even claim to be such.)
Stepping Through the Wall
In the beginning, he seemed very neurotypical. He learned to talk at the appropriate age and progressed at the average rate. However, when he was about two, he regressed. He went from his growing vocabulary to hardly any words at all. Not only that, but he also began displaying other behaviors. He often rocked back and forth, enjoyed watching the wheels spin on his toy cars as opposed to actually playing with them, refused eye contact with other people, and other things as well. We began to suspect that something was wrong, but no one wanted to say anything. I did some of my own research and found that many of the things he did were considered signs of autism. After relaying my thoughts to my grandmother, she said that she thought it would be best to take him to the doctor and ask a few questions.
When we went to the doctor, it was a bit nerve wracking. I remember very well how the doctor asked my grandmother and me several questions regarding Christian's behaviors. As we talked, Christian wandered around the room and rocked back and forth, occasionally licking things because he liked the texture. The doctor observed these actions and quietly told us that he believed that Christian either had autism or mental retardation. Because of this, the doctor made a referral for him to see a specialist. I remember being a bit shocked by how bluntly he said it, as if it wasn't a big deal. As we left, I pondered what we were going to do next.
Unfortunately, I wasn't actually able to go with my brother when he went to be tested. I was actually out of town visiting family. I remember quite vividly riding in the car with my aunt, looking out the window and hearing the phone ring. Even more, I can recall well how my grandmother informed me of the diagnosis and explained all that the specialist had told her. After she had told me, she said that things were going to be different at home now. Oh, if only I had known just how much of a change it would be!
After his diagnosis, things became much easier but also more difficult. It was easier because we finally had explanations for things, such as why he melts down when there's so many people around or his tendency to rock back and forth. However, it was a little harder because we had to do so many things. During my summer vacation of that year, he had to go to speech and occupational therapy twice a week. I had to get up early in the mornings to help my grandmother with him, since she needed help taking him places. His therapists showed us ways to communicate with him, mostly by sign language. At the time, it was extremely useful. Thankfully, it's not really needed anymore, which is very good.
Although we've come a long way with Christian, we still have quite a ways to go. I think his speech has improved greatly, because now we are unable to keep him quiet! Granted, many of the things he says come from television shows and movies that he likes. He "scripts" quite a bit, which is where he uses quotes from shows to express his thoughts and emotions. Due to this, I have often watched his shows to make sure I know what he is alluding to. I also re-enact scenes from shows with him a lot, particularly the British science fiction program Doctor Who.
Sometimes he seems incredibly aloof. He gets absorbed into his own little world, as if he has a brick wall built up around him and no one is able to reach him. There's no way around the wall, no matter how hard I try. He just seems so distant. Other times, he can become very violent because he can't communicate his emotions effectively. This is more likely to happen when he's surrounded by many people or if he feels overwhelmed.
Because of this, it's interesting when we take him with us to the grocery store or other public places. We try not to take him places where it's too crowded or much too loud, but sometimes it's inevitable. It's a little frustrating, not particularly because of Christian's behaviors, but because of other people. I love my brother, and it bothers me so much when people stare or point. It's almost unbelievable to me how often that has happened. We've actually had an instance where a woman came up to us in the middle of a meltdown and informed us that we weren't disciplining him enough. She then attempted to discipline him herself! I must admit, I wasn't very pleased about it. I was in shock and quite a bit angry, honestly. One of the things that really bother me is that people are so unaware of what autism is and that it's not a "behavior problem." My brother can't help it and I can't stand to see complete strangers judging him. Why, he's only four! It's just so infuriating and appalling to me.
Despite all the challenges, I absolutely love my little brother. Yes, sometimes it can be a bit difficult, but he's still my brother. I will always think the world of him, no matter what he does, however many times I get bit, or however many meltdowns he has at the store. Christian has left a major impact in my life in multiple ways, including my career goals. Due to him having autism, I now want to either do research about it or become a special education teacher. In addition to this, it has also impacted my attitude and awareness. Before he was diagnosed, I knew relatively little about autism or what it was. It was just a term that I once read in a science textbook and never thought twice about. However, after the diagnosis, I became much more aware of how much it impacts people and their families. I'm also much more aware of how much misunderstanding and confusion abounds within the public about this particular subject. Because of this, one of the main things I'm very vocal about is autism awareness.
Most important of all, I have learned that although my brother may sometimes be surrounded in his little wall or in his silence, he still has a voice. He still has his own thoughts and emotions, just like everyone else. Sometimes he may not show empathy too well or he has trouble expressing how he feels and what he means, but that doesn't mean that he's incapable of having feelings. In fact, he's a very sweet kid and I count it a blessing to call him my brother. I can't always go around his walls when he builds them up, but with enough time and effort, I just might be able to step through them.
Apr 8, 2012
Rules for Life
This post may be a little bit odd, but I'd like to post it, mainly because it's the easiest way for me to remember it. I took it from my notes in a sermon that I heard a long time ago. Of course, as a Christian, I don't believe it to be a set of rules. Quite the contrary. I believe it's a relationship with God Himself. These are just guidelines that I personally like following. Not a big debatable thing, but just something I kinda like to live by. So, here it is!
Really love people, no matter what. Unconditionally.
2. Hate evil.
Stay away from bad stuff, but do not hate the person. Ever.
3. Hold on to the good.
When things get difficult, try to be optimistic. There's always something good out there. I promise you, there is.
4. Be devoted.
Stand by each other. Loyalty is a virtue, you know.
5. Excell in respect.
Always respect people, even when you disagree.
6. Work in devotion.
Try your best, even when it's hard to do.
7. Serve God.
Do all that you do for Him. Goes along with #6, somewhat.
8. Be happy.
Enjoy life! (Or at least try.) This is one of the hard ones for me along with #3, because I have depression and sometimes it's just hard to do. Even so, I think it's a good goal. "Down days" can be difficult, but as one of my favorite quotes go, "the shadow proves the sunshine." Things always seem to have this strange way of working out. In the end, it might just be even better than you'd ever think it would be.
9. Be patient.
Wait!
10. Pray always.
Keep in conversation with God. It's a two-way street and nobody's ever heard His voicemail, although sometimes it can feel like it. Still, He's always listening.
11. Share.
As they say, what it says on the tin.
12. Be hospitable.
No, it doesn't mean that you ask people if they want sweet tea *every* time they visit. Just think about it.
13. Bless your enemies.
Oh, yes. This has got to be a hard one for me too. Forgiveness is a difficult thing. The easiest way (and also the hardest) is to remember that Jesus didn't *have* to die for me/you and that we didn't deserve it either. But yeah, this is a difficult one that I struggle with a lot.
14. Don't curse.
"Are you borking kidding me?" Hmm... nope.
No, really. Cursing by other people actually does make me feel uncomfortable. Ironically, I actually almost said one today, but then I felt pretty bad about it. This is why I enjoy replacing words with other words.
15. Be empathetic.
Try to be understanding and do your best to look from the other person's point of view. This is something I have to remind myself to do a lot.
16. Live in harmony.
Or at least try, anyways. Try to get along with everyone, but don't try to please everyone. It won't work. Trust me, I've tried. Oh, how I have tried.
17. Be friendly.
#12 could go with this. Trying to smile at people when you see them and try to relay to them the love that God has for them. It can be difficult (especially when you're having a rough day), but it just might make someone's week.
18. Be humble.
It's not just advice for narcissists. Just keep things in perspective.
19. Don't seek revenge.
Oh, yep. Tough one. "Vengeance belongs to the Lord" or so it goes. Let God handle it. It'll all work out.
20. Don't be arrogant.
Deja vu, #18.
21. Focus your thoughts.
Ooh, science fiction nerd, book fanatic, unable to ever keep my thoughts in one place. My brain's always going a hundred miles an hour, so this is hard. But the goal is to think of good things, and especially on God. If you lose sight of God, you're eventually going to lose sight of everything.
22. Live in peace.
In a fallen world, I'm fairly certain that seems unattainable. I think we can still live in peace, though. Maybe by trusting God to do His stuff and remembering that He's got it all under control, even when it *really* doesn't feel like it.
And that's all I've got. Call them rules, guidelines, a mantra or whatever you'd like. That's just a thing I like living by. Now that I've been serious, I think it's time for a long nap. Adios!
-C Squared
Rules for Life
1. Love sincerely.Really love people, no matter what. Unconditionally.
2. Hate evil.
Stay away from bad stuff, but do not hate the person. Ever.
3. Hold on to the good.
When things get difficult, try to be optimistic. There's always something good out there. I promise you, there is.
4. Be devoted.
Stand by each other. Loyalty is a virtue, you know.
5. Excell in respect.
Always respect people, even when you disagree.
6. Work in devotion.
Try your best, even when it's hard to do.
7. Serve God.
Do all that you do for Him. Goes along with #6, somewhat.
8. Be happy.
Enjoy life! (Or at least try.) This is one of the hard ones for me along with #3, because I have depression and sometimes it's just hard to do. Even so, I think it's a good goal. "Down days" can be difficult, but as one of my favorite quotes go, "the shadow proves the sunshine." Things always seem to have this strange way of working out. In the end, it might just be even better than you'd ever think it would be.
9. Be patient.
Wait!
10. Pray always.
Keep in conversation with God. It's a two-way street and nobody's ever heard His voicemail, although sometimes it can feel like it. Still, He's always listening.
11. Share.
As they say, what it says on the tin.
12. Be hospitable.
No, it doesn't mean that you ask people if they want sweet tea *every* time they visit. Just think about it.
13. Bless your enemies.
Oh, yes. This has got to be a hard one for me too. Forgiveness is a difficult thing. The easiest way (and also the hardest) is to remember that Jesus didn't *have* to die for me/you and that we didn't deserve it either. But yeah, this is a difficult one that I struggle with a lot.
14. Don't curse.
"Are you borking kidding me?" Hmm... nope.
No, really. Cursing by other people actually does make me feel uncomfortable. Ironically, I actually almost said one today, but then I felt pretty bad about it. This is why I enjoy replacing words with other words.
15. Be empathetic.
Try to be understanding and do your best to look from the other person's point of view. This is something I have to remind myself to do a lot.
16. Live in harmony.
Or at least try, anyways. Try to get along with everyone, but don't try to please everyone. It won't work. Trust me, I've tried. Oh, how I have tried.
17. Be friendly.
#12 could go with this. Trying to smile at people when you see them and try to relay to them the love that God has for them. It can be difficult (especially when you're having a rough day), but it just might make someone's week.
18. Be humble.
It's not just advice for narcissists. Just keep things in perspective.
19. Don't seek revenge.
Oh, yep. Tough one. "Vengeance belongs to the Lord" or so it goes. Let God handle it. It'll all work out.
20. Don't be arrogant.
Deja vu, #18.
21. Focus your thoughts.
Ooh, science fiction nerd, book fanatic, unable to ever keep my thoughts in one place. My brain's always going a hundred miles an hour, so this is hard. But the goal is to think of good things, and especially on God. If you lose sight of God, you're eventually going to lose sight of everything.
22. Live in peace.
In a fallen world, I'm fairly certain that seems unattainable. I think we can still live in peace, though. Maybe by trusting God to do His stuff and remembering that He's got it all under control, even when it *really* doesn't feel like it.
And that's all I've got. Call them rules, guidelines, a mantra or whatever you'd like. That's just a thing I like living by. Now that I've been serious, I think it's time for a long nap. Adios!
-C Squared
Dec 17, 2011
Oh, This'll Be Interesting
Okay, this is where the blog either gets interesting, boring, or depending on your opinion, possibly annoying/angering/bothering. I think I could toe the line here, but I don't know. I have no intention of upsetting anyone, and if I do, I apologize ahead of time. I don't like upsetting people, but I feel the need to bring this up. Don't ask me why, though. I don't have an answer. I rarely do, I'm afraid. Also, remember I'm not an expert on things. Fourteen year olds rarely have a PhD in theology, so it's not really a surprise there. This is just my thoughts on it all, really. And no, I'm not debating anything. I'm mostly just rambling here and I'm not really in the mood for any of that.
Alrighty, now that the disclaimer's out of the way, I have something to bring up. Lately, I've had quite a bit of time for thinking and reading. In my reading, I came across a question I've never really thought twice about:
"Why do Christians care so much about converting people?"
It kinda caught me off guard a bit.
I mean, I know the answer. In fact, I'm one of those people who would hear the question and probably start a lengthy discussion on it. Maybe a little too lengthy, actually, but that's just because I'm the weird kid who actually likes this stuff. Still, it's just that's it really rare for someone to ask me that. I wasn't expecting it. But since I've read it, the question has seemed to linger in my brain for some reason. I don't know why; maybe it's a God thing or something. You never really know, I think. Because of that, I wanted to post about it here.
First of all, there's the thing about "converting" and what and how people mean by it. The thing is, converting people is not the goal. It's not like we're Cybermen. (No, really. Yes, some of us act like it sometimes, but trust me, we're not going to delete you or something. Also, for the rest of this, try not to think of the stereotype of people who whack you in the head with a Bible. In most cases, that's not true.) But still, the point's not to get someone's name on a church roll or coming into church every other Sunday morning. It's much more than just that. And I'll get to that in a second.
Also, there's this little thing called the Great Commission. If you don't know what it is, here's a quick summary: Long story short, Jesus said to go tell everyone about Him. (In case you want to read it yourself, it's in Matthew 28:16-20. Just for reference.) It's a rather important part of being a Christian, actually. We hear about it in sermons quite often.
Now, my major thing with it all. Bear with me here, because this is where I get a little mixed up. This is one of the things that often keeps me up at night when I'm trying to sleep. I'm a little apprehensive of posting this part, because this is where it gets a bit... well, serious. And here we go.
I don't want anyone to go to Hell.
There, I said it. I don't want to think of that outcome for my family and friends that I talk to on a regular basis. I mean, there's people I'll stay up late at night talking to or kids that I'll meet on the school bus. People that make my days go from terrible to absolutely wonderful within only a few hours with only a joke or a story. Some of the most wonderful people I know. It scares me so much to think that something would happen to them. Eternity is way too long of a time and it terrifies me to imagine that. I think at *least* half of my prayers have to do with this subject. At least.
Contrary to what many people think of Christians, I don't think atheists or agnostics are terrible people who are no good. Absolutely not. I have good friends who believe that way. I respect what they believe, yes, but it still kills me a little. Every time I hear a joke about my "imaginary friend" and small cutting remarks, I get a bit sick in my stomach. Not literally sick, but you get the point. It's a little heartbreaking to me, to be honest. Considering that God's the main reason I keep going (it sounds like an exaggeration, but believe me, it's not) and that He's as real to me as the oxygen you breathe, of course it's going to be a little offensive in terms of how I feel. I do respect it though. God does give people free will, and that's their own decision.
If you can imagine someone who's saved your life, and then watching another person call them all sorts of names while calling you stupid for being thankful for it, then you're getting closer to how I see it. I mean, He's gotten me through a heck of a lot of things, and if it wasn't for Him, I honestly have absolutely no idea where I would be right now. I really don't know. That's another thing about why we tell people about Jesus. We want to share the love that God's shown towards us and tell other people that He loves and cares about them too. It's like paying it forward, I think. The amount of love He has for us is inexplicable, really. It's amazing, unwavering, and unchanging. Heaven knows I don't deserve it. He doesn't *want* people to go to Hell. With free will, people have to make the decision. He loves everyone, no matter who they are, what they've done, or what they're going to do. He might dislike what we do, but He still loves us anyways. And that's why Christians like sharing their faith.
I'm afraid this sounded more like a rambling than an actually organized thing. I apologize for taking up too much time though. That was a whole lot more than I expected to write for this. I'm not really sure on how to sum up the rest of this, but there it is.
Alrighty, now that the disclaimer's out of the way, I have something to bring up. Lately, I've had quite a bit of time for thinking and reading. In my reading, I came across a question I've never really thought twice about:
"Why do Christians care so much about converting people?"
It kinda caught me off guard a bit.
I mean, I know the answer. In fact, I'm one of those people who would hear the question and probably start a lengthy discussion on it. Maybe a little too lengthy, actually, but that's just because I'm the weird kid who actually likes this stuff. Still, it's just that's it really rare for someone to ask me that. I wasn't expecting it. But since I've read it, the question has seemed to linger in my brain for some reason. I don't know why; maybe it's a God thing or something. You never really know, I think. Because of that, I wanted to post about it here.
First of all, there's the thing about "converting" and what and how people mean by it. The thing is, converting people is not the goal. It's not like we're Cybermen. (No, really. Yes, some of us act like it sometimes, but trust me, we're not going to delete you or something. Also, for the rest of this, try not to think of the stereotype of people who whack you in the head with a Bible. In most cases, that's not true.) But still, the point's not to get someone's name on a church roll or coming into church every other Sunday morning. It's much more than just that. And I'll get to that in a second.
Also, there's this little thing called the Great Commission. If you don't know what it is, here's a quick summary: Long story short, Jesus said to go tell everyone about Him. (In case you want to read it yourself, it's in Matthew 28:16-20. Just for reference.) It's a rather important part of being a Christian, actually. We hear about it in sermons quite often.
Now, my major thing with it all. Bear with me here, because this is where I get a little mixed up. This is one of the things that often keeps me up at night when I'm trying to sleep. I'm a little apprehensive of posting this part, because this is where it gets a bit... well, serious. And here we go.
I don't want anyone to go to Hell.
There, I said it. I don't want to think of that outcome for my family and friends that I talk to on a regular basis. I mean, there's people I'll stay up late at night talking to or kids that I'll meet on the school bus. People that make my days go from terrible to absolutely wonderful within only a few hours with only a joke or a story. Some of the most wonderful people I know. It scares me so much to think that something would happen to them. Eternity is way too long of a time and it terrifies me to imagine that. I think at *least* half of my prayers have to do with this subject. At least.
Contrary to what many people think of Christians, I don't think atheists or agnostics are terrible people who are no good. Absolutely not. I have good friends who believe that way. I respect what they believe, yes, but it still kills me a little. Every time I hear a joke about my "imaginary friend" and small cutting remarks, I get a bit sick in my stomach. Not literally sick, but you get the point. It's a little heartbreaking to me, to be honest. Considering that God's the main reason I keep going (it sounds like an exaggeration, but believe me, it's not) and that He's as real to me as the oxygen you breathe, of course it's going to be a little offensive in terms of how I feel. I do respect it though. God does give people free will, and that's their own decision.
If you can imagine someone who's saved your life, and then watching another person call them all sorts of names while calling you stupid for being thankful for it, then you're getting closer to how I see it. I mean, He's gotten me through a heck of a lot of things, and if it wasn't for Him, I honestly have absolutely no idea where I would be right now. I really don't know. That's another thing about why we tell people about Jesus. We want to share the love that God's shown towards us and tell other people that He loves and cares about them too. It's like paying it forward, I think. The amount of love He has for us is inexplicable, really. It's amazing, unwavering, and unchanging. Heaven knows I don't deserve it. He doesn't *want* people to go to Hell. With free will, people have to make the decision. He loves everyone, no matter who they are, what they've done, or what they're going to do. He might dislike what we do, but He still loves us anyways. And that's why Christians like sharing their faith.
I'm afraid this sounded more like a rambling than an actually organized thing. I apologize for taking up too much time though. That was a whole lot more than I expected to write for this. I'm not really sure on how to sum up the rest of this, but there it is.
Sep 24, 2011
Step One: Be Sad. Step Two: Eat Hotdogs.
Hi people! I'm sorry I haven't updated this thing in a while. I've been somewhat busy due to multiple events going on. School's been in session for a few weeks now, which is part of the reason why I haven't really been updating that much. As much as I officially enjoy being in high school now, it's rather good at keeping one busy. I think I'll probably just talk about the hobbit for the moment, since a few of my friends have really been wanting me to update this things and I can't think of much to discuss. (And to those friends: See, I told you I'd update it soon....ish.)
Anyways, the hobbit learned something new a few days ago. He can ride a bike with training wheels!
Yes, it may seem like a somewhat small accomplishment to some, but here, it's a rather huge accomplishment. I'm very proud of him for it. After he went up and down the driveway a few times, he excitedly told me "I ride bike now!" which definitely made me want to hug him. And knowing him, of course, he didn't let me. He only likes hugs if he feels like it, which isn't often. I somewhat understand him there though, since I'm weird about that too.
Also, we've been working with him with a few specific things. He's been having issues with hitting and kicking my grandmother and I recently, so his teachers made a short book with pictures to explain to him about how it hurts people when he hits them. (And for the record, his teachers are amazing for doing that.) I don't think it's really working right now though. He "read" it to me about a day or so ago, and his translation of it was literally this:
"My Nana was sad and then we eat hotdogs. Then, her sad all day and my Coco was sad. Then we eated hotdogs again!"
...yeah, I don't think he understands it. Still, I have to admit that I laughed and to be honest, I rather like the analogy. "Step one: Be sad. Step two: Eat food. Step three: Continue being awesome as you always have. Step four: Repeat."
But in seriousness though, I think we're going to be working on this thing for a while, I'm afraid. Personally, I think it's because he has issues with expressing himself in words, which makes him express his frustration in ways that aren't good methods. We'll get there eventually, I'm sure. Just have to take it a day at a time.
We do get along for the most part though. The hobbit and I "hung out" for most of the night tonight. And by "hanging out", I mean watching "Finding Nemo" while he basically talks along with the entire movie, watching him whack the keyboard with a racket, and looking at pictures. There were lots of amusing quotes resulting from this actually.
- C Squared
Anyways, the hobbit learned something new a few days ago. He can ride a bike with training wheels!
Yes, it may seem like a somewhat small accomplishment to some, but here, it's a rather huge accomplishment. I'm very proud of him for it. After he went up and down the driveway a few times, he excitedly told me "I ride bike now!" which definitely made me want to hug him. And knowing him, of course, he didn't let me. He only likes hugs if he feels like it, which isn't often. I somewhat understand him there though, since I'm weird about that too.
Also, we've been working with him with a few specific things. He's been having issues with hitting and kicking my grandmother and I recently, so his teachers made a short book with pictures to explain to him about how it hurts people when he hits them. (And for the record, his teachers are amazing for doing that.) I don't think it's really working right now though. He "read" it to me about a day or so ago, and his translation of it was literally this:
"My Nana was sad and then we eat hotdogs. Then, her sad all day and my Coco was sad. Then we eated hotdogs again!"
...yeah, I don't think he understands it. Still, I have to admit that I laughed and to be honest, I rather like the analogy. "Step one: Be sad. Step two: Eat food. Step three: Continue being awesome as you always have. Step four: Repeat."
But in seriousness though, I think we're going to be working on this thing for a while, I'm afraid. Personally, I think it's because he has issues with expressing himself in words, which makes him express his frustration in ways that aren't good methods. We'll get there eventually, I'm sure. Just have to take it a day at a time.
We do get along for the most part though. The hobbit and I "hung out" for most of the night tonight. And by "hanging out", I mean watching "Finding Nemo" while he basically talks along with the entire movie, watching him whack the keyboard with a racket, and looking at pictures. There were lots of amusing quotes resulting from this actually.
- "Oh, it's a rock! I don't like rocks, they too yucky!" I think he just insulted my entire rock collection with that.
- "Come on Coco, it's rock and roll time!" Being said while he's messing with the keyboard. (Seriously, where does he get this stuff?)
- "Me love you! Maybe." See, my little brother loves me! Yes, he said maybe and it was when I was scolding him for messing with stuff, but I'll take what I can get these days. It counts for something, right?
- C Squared
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